Chad Was Here

A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.

When he sees the white gorilla he can’t believe his eyes, it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla’s cage.

After much arguing, the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla’s cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage.

He tiptoes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can’t be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.

Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.

The gorilla pulls at the door and to the man’s horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat.

The boat leaves and the man thinks he’s safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they’re due back in port he’s walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can’t make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it’s the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.

The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won’t take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he’s ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says…

“Tag, you’re it.”

A guy walks into a bar. He’s wrapped up in celophane and nothing else

The bartender says, “I can clearly see your(e) nuts”

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

Why can’t you hear rabbits having sex?

because they have cotton balls

HARDY HAR HAR!

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just to great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope….along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog
FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat, been out awhile, better be reward.
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED… Also 1 gay bull for sale
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown – 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened – used once
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

I was doing yard work after the storm this past weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where is the rake?” She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?” I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. My wife wasn’t sure about what I meant and said, “What?” I repeated the gestures. “EYE KNEE-THE RAKE” My wife nodded that she understood and signaled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to figuring out that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, “What the hell was that?” She replies, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Hunting Flies” He responded.

“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Redneck are captured by a fierce tribe of Indians.

The chief walks up to them and says, “I have bad news and good news. The bad news is you will all die, and we will use your skin to make canoes. The good news is you can choose the way you die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze poison.” When given the poison, the Frenchman
shouts, “Viva la France!” and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, “A pistol for me.” When given the pistol, the Englishman puts the gun to his head and shouts, “God save the queen!” and shoots himself
in the head.

The Redneck asks for a fork. Puzzled, the chief hands the Redneck a fork, and
he begins stabbing himself all over his body, his stomach, his sides, his chest; everywhere.

As the blood from the redneck begins gushing out all over, the chief is appalled and screams, “What are you doing?”

The Redneck looks at the chief, smiles, and says, “So much for your canoe, Bubba!”.